
first born of the season
There were no roses. No chocolates. Nothing to wilt or melt or fade away.
The bare essentials. Only that which matters most, that which is dearest to my heart. What is that? If you had to choose for me, by now knowing me as you do, would you know what matters most to me?
Bob knows. He is learning. He got off the hook easy this year. What could be better, he asked me, than a cute fuzzy cuddly (this remains to be seen) newborn calf?
Perfect!

Cyndee and her newborn
And so, our Highland heifer, Cyndee, surprised us with the birth of a little bull calf. A few months earlier than we all expected. Did the neighboring bull jump a few fences… and back? Or was one of those steers NOT a steer?
In any case, she calved well, and blessed us all with this beauty. We’re not used to such long limbs. Highland Cattle are not known for being leggy (what’s the point in being so far from the ground in a cold and windy climate?). Those legs must have come from the Charolais daddy. Poor little calf, he’s gonna get a crook in his neck before he is weaned, bending down to reach under his mama.
And so I am satisfied. I am wanting for nothing. For now. And lucky me, I am loved. Isn’t that a remarkable feeling? Of all our emotions, surely love is what matters most. Of all our sentiments and sensations, what could matter more?
But what, pray tell, is love?
It is not what I thought it would be.
It is deeper. It has substance, like soil in which the rose grows. It is as strong and firm as rock in the river around which the water flows, shaped and sculpted and softened by the rushing waters. It is more fierce than any attachment. It is a commitment. It is worth fighting for, standing up for, standing beside.
Love is rising on your feet in the face of the harshest of winds on the top of a mountain blinded by the wind and reaching out, and finding a hand to hold. Love is waking in the early morning in blackness and taking comfort from hearing gentle heavy breathing as they continue to sleep, safe and sound. Love is the flow of the river that slows and freezes and runs wild and brown, but remains its eternal course.
Love is more than a feeling; it is a promise, an action. It is not stationary, but moves and grows and flows. If we remain sitting comfortably on the bank admiring what we have, it will float down stream and be lost. We must be in there, with it, paddling and floating hand in hand.
I am learning. I am trying. It is not always easy. No one said it would be. Those who have made it work and tried the hardest told me this. It was not always easy for them. But was it worth it? I have no doubt.
I have been inspired. First, by a poem shared by my friend, Shari, which somehow captures the essence of this hazy notion of love. Inspired by our friends Marvin and Bobbie, now sharing and enjoying their 28th year together. By my parents, who will be celebrating their 50th Anniversary this summer. What brings us, them, together? Keeps us, them, together? Allows us, them, to move into the future, and still hold comfortably to a past, but most important I see, is enjoying today, together?
I am still learning to love. It does not come easy for the wildly independent soul.
Being a mother came easier for me. I found no job more worthy. And still I strive to be better, to develop and amend as our lives transform and evolve. The relationship between mother and son grows as does the child. I can not hold on to what I had, but adjust and cultivate and revise myself, my ways of interacting, my method of loving, though not my core of love, like the foundation, strong and solid my son can always count on, fall back on, trust, find comfort in the strong and steady hands. My son knew he had the mother wolf looking out for him, guarding the den. As he grows, he learns to run with this wolf, and now further, faster…
Being a wife was not easy for me, and is still not easy, though I learn and try and fine-tune my ways and means. I strive to be a partner, an equal, a balance. I do not seek to be or have a mirror image or a shadow. I try to find, and be, two separate entities, side by side, ready to move on forward, together. Stronger because of each other. Some how more complete. I did not know this could be so. I am seeing it is. I am learning to love.
Our relationships grow, evolve and move ahead as does the world around us. We can not remain sitting on the bank as the waters rush onward. How do we endure the chilly waters, the rough rocks, and the flooding banks? Together.
A family.
This is what matters most.
We are complete with one another.
Roses will die
Chocolates will be consumed.
What will last?
What will remain fast and strong and true in our lives, our loves, our hearts?

Cozy in the hay